If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away
Into the night...and through the rain
Into the half-light and through the flame...
Mom was admitted to the hospital Friday. I've been sitting with her, watching TV, talking, remembering the this and that's of our lives. I have discovered exactly how funny she is with her filter removed...and IV pain meds are great for removing filters. She is also VERY fidgety!!!! I am not. I am usually annoyed by those who can't be still. I have always been very still. A thinker more than a doer. But she is not annoying me. These are the precious times. The calm before the storm. (There are storms coming that can't be prayed away.)
Yesterday I went to church but got the call that she needed me before church. In Sunday school (first church) I wrote a letter to her.
Dear Mom,
Chance told me the other day that some of his best / favorite memories of you and daddy were our cabin / mountain trips. When we would all get snuggled into bed and you would start laughing. We all knew it was because you had just 'got' the joke of the day. But to him it would cause a joy to come again and that moment to him was funnier/ better than the original joke. He remembers going to sleep with such a peace and joy.
When he told me that story, it brought back to me my childhood-because that's what you've done for all of us throughout our family life. You have been the JOY of this family. I know that it must have seemed like we were laughing at you- but we weren't. We were laughing because of you. You have been our joy all of these years. I want you to rise up and continue to be our joy for years to come.
I know that the pain you are in is great.
If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away...
I'm praying that God takes this pain from you.
If I could, you know I would,
If I could, I would
Let it go.....
I pray that HE restores to you YOUR joy! Chance is funny because you are funny. I am strong because you are strong. And you are healed because He IS healing. You are holy because He is too holy to fail you!
I love you momma!
Love,
Jant.
(Song by U2 from the album 'The Unforgettable Fire' October 1984/ Lyrics by Bono)
Monday, June 18, 2012
Saturday, June 09, 2012
It's Not A Hill It's A Mountain As You Start Out The Climb
They say it’s all about perspective. One of the driving factors in my life has been that I want to know the truth about what people think of me. It’s the only way I can change. But we are blind to ourselves. We simply don’t see the need for change in ourselves. “How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?” We think we are the ones who are okay and everyone else is nuts. I think it would be one of the most hateful things to get to the end of our road or journey and look back to find that those we chose to surround ourselves with were merely tolerating us, that there were things about us that they really didn’t like, things that we could have changed if we only realized how others really saw us.
On the last day of high school I found out what one of my closest friends really thought of me. I hunted her down to confront her. I wasn’t as mad as I was hurt. After all of these years, to find out at the end what she really thought. It cut me deep. A couple of years later, in college, I found a former roommates’ car unlocked in a place that it usually wasn’t. When I found her she wasn’t impressed that I was concerned. But rather she hurled an insult at me, thus letting me know what she had really felt but kept pent up about me. “Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit.” I found myself developing a clinging nature. The need to know, to be told…how do you really feel about me? I became “That” girl. Not long after I suffered “THE” breakup. (You know the one…the one you STILL haven’t gotten over…yup THAT one) Looking back, I can’t blame him. I would have ran from me too! “There’s a part of me in the chaos that’s quiet…”
As I moved to Atlanta, I took with me my favorite pair of blue jean, knee length shorts. I think they were my favorite because the “crew” had signed them…(don’t ask…even I don’t know what I was thinking then) I took a sharpie and wrote “Never Never” (Stacked as if in shadow) People thought it was because of a band of the same name. (Were they a local group? Or popular? I don’t know…) But it was in fact because the Raven cries nevermore… I began introducing myself as Raven. I had decided that no one was ever going to make me cry again. I was not going to let anyone get close enough to me to even know me, let alone inflict pain on me. Because they say it’s all about perspective. My perspective was that if you didn’t know me, you couldn’t affect or effect me. It amazes me how quickly I put that wall up…and how long it took to break it down. I still from time to time catch myself standing off, wondering…”Oh, a change of heart comes slow.”
Yesterday I had someone say to me, “Maybe the memory issues you’re having is because you’re too self-consumed.” I suffered a concussion on October 5th. I’ve developed headaches, but my “memory” issues have been with me for YEARS lol…it’s been a running joke in our family that you could get me the same gift every Christmas I wouldn’t remember it was the same! I didn’t know if I wanted to scream or cry. I moved to Houston, TX because Chance begged me to. (Yes I did want to move there myself but I would not have taken him out of school to go.) I took close to a $10 an hour pay cut to move back to FL because I was asked to. ”Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear.” But I don’t want to wait 20 years to reflect back to see that they were right. Because, remember my high school friend? Yup, she was right…I really didn’t ever shut my mouth. And my former roommate? I wasn’t always the most upright honest person. And my boyfriend? Yup, I was clingy/needy/ and altogether unlovable at that point in my life.
“Do you believe me or are you doubting We’re gonna make it all the way to the light”
I guess I’ve got some perspective to work through. I do love the peaceful life. As the middle child I’ve always thought that I was spending all of my time doing everything for everyone else. But that is simply my perspective. I’m not sure what I am doing now that has me consumed with me…but I intend to find out. I’ve heard for years to get yourself off of your hands. I honestly thought that was one sermon I had nailed into my personality…apparently not. I am open to suggestions. And I am dead serious when I say I want to know what you REALLY think of me. I don’t care if you think it will hurt…THAT hurt will only last for the night, but the feeling of betrayal that comes after discovering years later is much worse.
I know, I’m asking for it now. LOL Feel free to email/text me.
On the last day of high school I found out what one of my closest friends really thought of me. I hunted her down to confront her. I wasn’t as mad as I was hurt. After all of these years, to find out at the end what she really thought. It cut me deep. A couple of years later, in college, I found a former roommates’ car unlocked in a place that it usually wasn’t. When I found her she wasn’t impressed that I was concerned. But rather she hurled an insult at me, thus letting me know what she had really felt but kept pent up about me. “Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit.” I found myself developing a clinging nature. The need to know, to be told…how do you really feel about me? I became “That” girl. Not long after I suffered “THE” breakup. (You know the one…the one you STILL haven’t gotten over…yup THAT one) Looking back, I can’t blame him. I would have ran from me too! “There’s a part of me in the chaos that’s quiet…”
As I moved to Atlanta, I took with me my favorite pair of blue jean, knee length shorts. I think they were my favorite because the “crew” had signed them…(don’t ask…even I don’t know what I was thinking then) I took a sharpie and wrote “Never Never” (Stacked as if in shadow) People thought it was because of a band of the same name. (Were they a local group? Or popular? I don’t know…) But it was in fact because the Raven cries nevermore… I began introducing myself as Raven. I had decided that no one was ever going to make me cry again. I was not going to let anyone get close enough to me to even know me, let alone inflict pain on me. Because they say it’s all about perspective. My perspective was that if you didn’t know me, you couldn’t affect or effect me. It amazes me how quickly I put that wall up…and how long it took to break it down. I still from time to time catch myself standing off, wondering…”Oh, a change of heart comes slow.”
Yesterday I had someone say to me, “Maybe the memory issues you’re having is because you’re too self-consumed.” I suffered a concussion on October 5th. I’ve developed headaches, but my “memory” issues have been with me for YEARS lol…it’s been a running joke in our family that you could get me the same gift every Christmas I wouldn’t remember it was the same! I didn’t know if I wanted to scream or cry. I moved to Houston, TX because Chance begged me to. (Yes I did want to move there myself but I would not have taken him out of school to go.) I took close to a $10 an hour pay cut to move back to FL because I was asked to. ”Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear.” But I don’t want to wait 20 years to reflect back to see that they were right. Because, remember my high school friend? Yup, she was right…I really didn’t ever shut my mouth. And my former roommate? I wasn’t always the most upright honest person. And my boyfriend? Yup, I was clingy/needy/ and altogether unlovable at that point in my life.
“Do you believe me or are you doubting We’re gonna make it all the way to the light”
I guess I’ve got some perspective to work through. I do love the peaceful life. As the middle child I’ve always thought that I was spending all of my time doing everything for everyone else. But that is simply my perspective. I’m not sure what I am doing now that has me consumed with me…but I intend to find out. I’ve heard for years to get yourself off of your hands. I honestly thought that was one sermon I had nailed into my personality…apparently not. I am open to suggestions. And I am dead serious when I say I want to know what you REALLY think of me. I don’t care if you think it will hurt…THAT hurt will only last for the night, but the feeling of betrayal that comes after discovering years later is much worse.
I know, I’m asking for it now. LOL Feel free to email/text me.
Friday, June 08, 2012
Latest update on the Sanctus Real Bus Fire
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