Wednesday, May 30, 2007

~Its all about me~

I had the strangest dream last night. I was falling into a large swirling lake and being swallowed up by me. I thought I was further along in my walk than that! But apparently its still all about me. I saw that written out in sequins on a tee shirt lately. A very frustrating place in life is to know that you are called. To feel the calling and drawing of the Holy Spirit on your life. To have Him wake you at all hours of the night just to talk to Him. And yet see this awful mirror image of your own selfishness. I think to myself, that’s not true, that’s just a dream. But deep down I know that’s what He wanted me to see. Becoming Holy is not an easy feat.
God I am sorry that I have allowed the me of my universe to overshadow the You of this universe. To have made You small, for thinking that You think and reason like I do.
This day I will bind mercy and truth around my neck and not forsake them. I will write them on the tablet of my heart, and so find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man!! I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding!(Proverbs 3:3-5)

Monday, May 28, 2007

~Oh how good it is... when brothers dwell together~

Ok so there were 13 of us total this past extended weekend. My brothers and their families took my son and went for a whole week. We had a full weekend of no arguments, no disagreements. We weren’t always in unison on what we wanted to eat or where we wanted to go. But we stayed together. We all had a common goal. We were there to spend as much time with our father. We’ve never really had fights among us. We grew up in a military family so we moved around a lot. As kids we were each others best friends. Now were not all of the same denomination. But we all still believe in the same God
It would be really neat to see the family of Christ living as each others best friends. Were none the same. We have our own families. We’re not the same denominations. But we all still believe in the same God. The symbolism of 12 of us hanging out, trying to get closer to our earthly father kept me thinking about hanging out and trying to get closer to my heavenly Father. I really pray that the mind set of the collective church will be transformed to looking for Him in everyday life. Not being so "heavenly minded that we’re no earthly good" but living our life with every thought, every action bringing us back to the realization that He exists. Not as a thing to hope for, or a standard to live up to but a real live person. Who still walks among us. Who still speaks to us, who still wants a relationship with us.
God I thank you for drawing me. Thank you for not leaving me to myself. Thank you for just being ever present in my life.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

~I want to be the way I was made~

Made in your image.. Made with your hands. Made to discover who You are and who I am...

I admitted 4 patients this week. Two of them have gallbladder or billiary duct cancer... I again feel as though I’m at the limit of my testing. Like the map of my life has the doppler radar scanning over it with multiple lightening strikes and areas of "red" warnings. I wonder sometimes if I’m not walking around with a message scrolling across the bottom of my page.
I wonder too if I’m being battered so much by this storm because I’m on the outside fringes of His will for my life. If I were pressed in closer to where I’m supposed to be wouldn’t the storm not feel so close. I get the image in my head of His hand stretched out, palm side down.. And me standing under it... The closer I am to the center then the more covering I have. I’m looking around for where & why I’m not in His perfect will for my life. God change me from who I am to what You are!
I know that faith and fear can’t operate in the same being so I’m leaning on what I know to be true. That nothing but the will of God can come for me.

Saturday, May 19, 2007


Some blogs take longer to find their way to words...This is one of those...
At my son’s birthday party the kids had come prepared to play "man hunt" (hide & seek with teams, the older kids version of the game) It was dark. We set boundaries. They had rules. As the game was progressing Chance came to me. Mama, we’ve lost someone. "What do you mean you’ve lost someone?" "We’ve looked for almost an hour and we can’t find him." Parent/Guardian called. Search teams gone out. 2 hours go by. Still no kid. Then miraculously here he walks up. Dirt on his clothes. Scratching his head. "I’m sorry...I fell asleep" In the middle of the party. In the middle of the game. Early in the evening. He fell asleep.
I forgot to take my communion yesterday morning. And in the middle of the day. In the middle of my job. Early in the day. It hits me, BAM! This thought explodes in my head... Don’t fall asleep. This is a battle. Lives are at stake. Souls could be lost. They could see this man of God fall, and in their anger turn away from God. I’ve set myself to fight. I’ve come to win. God has set boundaries. God has rules. Its dark right now, but I’ll not fall asleep!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

~Proverbs 2~

God I accept your words & store up your commandments. I turn my ear to your wisdom & apply my heart to understanding.
I’m still stuck in frequency mode. The airways are charged with the frequency of God. Now I’m wondering how many of us frequent Gods frequency? Is all I have to give enough? Am I God’s Cain or Able?
Yesterday was another MD’s apt for daddy. They had said your cancer free, but we need to do chemo/radiation to ensure that it doesn’t grow back again. They said he could wait until June to begin treatments. Then did another PET scan for radiation markers. The MD called last Thurs to say they needed him to come in as soon as possible. There is new activity.
Home from the MD last night for a family dinner & chat. They’ve told dad he has a 0-10% chance of recovery. He started 8 hours a day (one day a week) chemo coupled with radiation. Cyber knife next week...

Saturday, May 12, 2007

~But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for~

I don’t want to chase after something that’s not there.
Dream big, reach for the sky, things we hear as kids.... But I see people chasing after things, that in 5 years wont matter anymore. I have a 5 yr rule that I gage my life by... in 5 years if this fight wont matter, then don’t let it effect things now. If someone’s comment or action will not even be a vague memory then don’t allow it to grow into a major issue now.
I’ve been accused of not "selling out" to God. Not allowing Him to have total control over my life. Of chasing after things that don’t matter to God. This baffles me, I don’t get it. I don’t see it. God I want my eyes opened to see what it is that’s drawing me, what it is Im chasing after. And if its not truly you than I repent now and ask you to forgive me. Draw my focus back to you!

~The Frequency~

Something happened last Sunday that I’ve spent a week mulling over, I’ve been consumed with these thoughts yet unable to find the correct words. Please read the whole story before making a judgement.
We have new cameras at church. Our regular switcher/ editor/ producer has been ill so I’m the fill in person. Last week while attempting to switch there were people in the contro9l room talking. The camera men were both talking. The pastor was in mind sermon talking. I wasn’t involved in any of the conversations yet I was aware of all their voices. My mind began to wander, I thought "I wonder if when the semi truckers go by will we still pick up a "squeal" on our head sets as they use their radios?...Oh wait.. No, we have these set up with cables not using airway frequencies. Simultaneously both camera men jerk their cameras as they fumble for their mic on switch and in stereo they say, "Ow, what was that?" "What was what?".. "That high pitched squeal, it like seriously hurt my ears!" I tuned to the people doing the sound- "Did y’all get anything?" The camera men- "No it wasn’t in the sanctuary it was in the head set.
All week I’ve played this scene over in my head. I know what happened. Our camera men are young men. They heard a frequency that I can no longer hear. My mind/brain somehow processed the information of the sound that my ears couldn’t translate.
All week I’ve thought, God you are speaking out of heaven over me & my life. My mind knows this, I believe that its happening yet my ears aren’t always able to hear your frequency.
"He who has an ear. Let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches..."Revelation 2:7
God I don’t want to miss anything else! Re-tune my ears to hear your frequency!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

~I love how You love me! Psalm 18:19&20~

I love that you care enough to always be there. I love your smile in the morning ~like the dew as its sets~ is always fresh. I love the feel of your breath on my cheek as I lean in to hear you speak. I love how you gently pull my hearts string awaking the river that flows from within me. I love how, no matter how many times I read your word, I always find something new in you. I love how your changing me from what I am to who you are. I love your vision & plan & design for my life. I love how gently you show me myself & love me enough to help me change it. I love how you have given your best for me. I love how you’ve replaced the loneliness with your lovingkindness. Thank you for not leaving me to myself. I love that you are bringing me forth into a larger place, delivering me because you delight in me! And because I have chosen to walk with clean hands and a pure heart you are pouring your love on me! I pour myself out to be an empty vessel for you to pour your love through. I love you my Lord, my God, my creator & my strong tower, my heartbeat & the very breath I breathe.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

~You came running, looking for us!~

My life lives and not just is!

O to find what I am divinely called to do instead of what I’m self called to be. You know you can want something so bad that you find a way to make it happen. But if your divinely called then it will come running/tracking you down, overtaking you, if you want it or not. I want to arrive at completeness [Eph 4:11] expressing truth. So that everyone who meets / sees me will sense something is different about me~ even if they’re not sure what it is... I want a life that wins & is filled with and controlled by the Holy Spirit of God!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

~May 1,2007~ I've found Your favor!

You have found favor, lovingkindness & mercy in my sight, & I know you personally & by name. Exodus 33:17
Isn’t it nice when someone famous appears to recognize you? Like the commercial on TV where the woman is walking & all of the celbs stop to watch her walk by. My pastor said Sunday that if we don’t hold fast our confession & say that we have the favor of God no one else will either!
God your word tells me that I have found favor & lovingkindness & mercy in your sight~ You know me personally & by my name & for that I think that you are worthy of my good conduct. God I trust you to scrap away all of the things in my life that I think are my greatest gifts and talents and leave me with just you and & I. To stand unveiled and revealed in your presence. I want to know you with the same depth that you know me. You are the high priest over the grace & mercy in my life & I love you with everything I have in me. & I ask that you even strip that away and replace it with your perfect love! I choose to trust you in all things, always~ now and forevermore.