Saturday, June 09, 2012

It's Not A Hill It's A Mountain As You Start Out The Climb

They say it’s all about perspective. One of the driving factors in my life has been that I want to know the truth about what people think of me. It’s the only way I can change. But we are blind to ourselves. We simply don’t see the need for change in ourselves. “How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?” We think we are the ones who are okay and everyone else is nuts. I think it would be one of the most hateful things to get to the end of our road or journey and look back to find that those we chose to surround ourselves with were merely tolerating us, that there were things about us that they really didn’t like, things that we could have changed if we only realized how others really saw us.

On the last day of high school I found out what one of my closest friends really thought of me. I hunted her down to confront her. I wasn’t as mad as I was hurt. After all of these years, to find out at the end what she really thought. It cut me deep. A couple of years later, in college, I found a former roommates’ car unlocked in a place that it usually wasn’t. When I found her she wasn’t impressed that I was concerned. But rather she hurled an insult at me, thus letting me know what she had really felt but kept pent up about me. “Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit.” I found myself developing a clinging nature. The need to know, to be told…how do you really feel about me? I became “That” girl. Not long after I suffered “THE” breakup. (You know the one…the one you STILL haven’t gotten over…yup THAT one) Looking back, I can’t blame him. I would have ran from me too! “There’s a part of me in the chaos that’s quiet…”

As I moved to Atlanta, I took with me my favorite pair of blue jean, knee length shorts. I think they were my favorite because the “crew” had signed them…(don’t ask…even I don’t know what I was thinking then) I took a sharpie and wrote “Never Never” (Stacked as if in shadow) People thought it was because of a band of the same name. (Were they a local group? Or popular? I don’t know…) But it was in fact because the Raven cries nevermore… I began introducing myself as Raven. I had decided that no one was ever going to make me cry again. I was not going to let anyone get close enough to me to even know me, let alone inflict pain on me. Because they say it’s all about perspective. My perspective was that if you didn’t know me, you couldn’t affect or effect me. It amazes me how quickly I put that wall up…and how long it took to break it down. I still from time to time catch myself standing off, wondering…”Oh, a change of heart comes slow.”

Yesterday I had someone say to me, “Maybe the memory issues you’re having is because you’re too self-consumed.” I suffered a concussion on October 5th. I’ve developed headaches, but my “memory” issues have been with me for YEARS lol…it’s been a running joke in our family that you could get me the same gift every Christmas I wouldn’t remember it was the same! I didn’t know if I wanted to scream or cry. I moved to Houston, TX because Chance begged me to. (Yes I did want to move there myself but I would not have taken him out of school to go.) I took close to a $10 an hour pay cut to move back to FL because I was asked to. ”Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear.” But I don’t want to wait 20 years to reflect back to see that they were right. Because, remember my high school friend? Yup, she was right…I really didn’t ever shut my mouth. And my former roommate? I wasn’t always the most upright honest person. And my boyfriend? Yup, I was clingy/needy/ and altogether unlovable at that point in my life.

“Do you believe me or are you doubting We’re gonna make it all the way to the light”

I guess I’ve got some perspective to work through. I do love the peaceful life. As the middle child I’ve always thought that I was spending all of my time doing everything for everyone else. But that is simply my perspective. I’m not sure what I am doing now that has me consumed with me…but I intend to find out. I’ve heard for years to get yourself off of your hands. I honestly thought that was one sermon I had nailed into my personality…apparently not. I am open to suggestions. And I am dead serious when I say I want to know what you REALLY think of me. I don’t care if you think it will hurt…THAT hurt will only last for the night, but the feeling of betrayal that comes after discovering years later is much worse.

I know, I’m asking for it now. LOL Feel free to email/text me.

1 comment:

Corrine said...

I find your descriptions about yourself surprising. I think you are one of the least self-consumed people I know. You are very casual, laid back, "whatever", kind of person. I haven't seen you rattled much, although I know things can rattle you, you tend to keep it inside. You are a very private person. For as long as I've known you, I don't really feel I know you well. I feel you keep yourself protected. But I know if there's a person to turn to because you want to have a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants good time, it's you. You are up for anything, anytime. That can be a great thing! Or it can be a "really?" kind of thing. And for sure you are probably the smartest person I know. I wonder what your IQ is? And Chance is just like you. Smart, adventurous, funny, did I say adventurous? I don't know. These are just some observations from the top of my head and heart.

I miss you.