Monday, June 30, 2008

when I climb down this mountain and get back to my life... I won't settle for ordinary things

I was talking to a very sweet person this weekend. He is a member of a band that I love. At the risk of sounding like a fan-addict I confessed that I will be attending 7 shows this year. He appeared amazed and stated something along the line of... I hope we can keep it interesting for you. I couldn't help but smile. Lo after all these years they still don't get it do they? I wonder if any band outside of Third Day understands the Gomers. (And sometimes I wonder if Third Day really gets it) I do not fly out to Texas just to see Third Day, or Jars of Clay, or the Music Builds tour. (I did fly there one time to see NeedToBreathe but there were other circumstances built around that HAHA) I, like all the others I know, plan our show travels around who else is going to be at a particular show. We've made friends online but we get together and bond those ties without the "60 second rule." We come from all sorts of backgrounds and various religions, yet when we get together all that matters is the lyrics of the song Creed. We believe in God the Father... I don't care if they're Baptist and they don't mind if I'm Assembly of God. It's like that old blog post that I did a year or so ago. We are one body. And from a medical view, our body (made primarily of water... some in the form of blood) has many different functioning systems. We have a liver and kidneys that both work as filters for the blood. Yet neither of them have the same output. They go about the process differently. They use different triggering agents. They look different, act different yet produce the same effect. If either of them fail both of them will.

We travel to shows because its a glimpse here of what there is going to be like. We've fallen in love with the fellowship of people who love the same God. We've even broken off into sub groups and still travel together. (Jars, Toby, Crowder, DecembeRadio, NeedToBreathe... the list goes on)

And on a not-so-spiritual-but-still-real where the rubber meets the road level... We travel to the shows because we get to wake up in a different city every night. We know how to order the hash browns at Waffle House without studying the menu. We live like rock stars for a few days of the week before heading back to the mediocrity of life. We know we've been a part of something larger than us and we come back a little more changed each time. We thank you bands for giving us a common ground to travel too. But seriously, its not about you ;)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

..many lost still seek to find themselves in me...they ask me to revel the very thoughts they would conceal...Love rescue me

Some bands take the stage with theatrics. Some with grace and poise. Then there are bands like Jars that move about the stage in somewhat quirky, even awkward but purposeful movements. On a hot muggy, rain delayed night in central Florida the band did just that. There is a fluid in Jars music that rolls from the stage into very the blood and water that make up your existence. You feel Jars. You experience something larger than yourself, deeper than what you may want to explore in a crowd. Looking around I saw people who either didn’t want to, or were unable to, comprehend the flow of the music, the very spirit and essence of God showing up, making Himself known. I think as creatures we hide from God. Its our very nature to hide. We hide from ourselves. When Adam sinned in the garden he hid from God, he didn’t seek after God to seek His forgiveness. Jars reminds us that we are in fact hiding from a world that is dying, and we are slowly dying with it. I don’t know exactly when I stopped sleeping. When I starting sitting and staring into nothing. Trapped in this situation that wont go away. I don’t want it to completely go away. That would mean that Daddy was gone. And mom not far behind him. Is there anyone out there who is struggling with two parents in chemotherapy? Two strong Christians who honestly believe that nothing but the will of God can and will come in their lives. Yet mom calls me as I drive around town visiting patients that are too sick to be left alone, but are victims of the insurance business that says they’ve used up enough hospital time, “Janet, I need you to be strong for me now. Are you going to be OK? Because I really need you now. I can’t handle this (with Daddy) anymore. The doctors have said.....” “You’re a nurse so I know you know more than what your telling me, but can you please just help me thru this? I love you.” My patients have my cell number. I take their calls. They think I am the best nurse Baptist has. I know because they write letters. Letters that get read during staff meetings. All eyes on me. Yet no one sees. Sometimes, I really, truly, honestly wish I wasn’t so alone. That I had arms to fall into to cry. “Janet, I need you to be strong for me.” “Mamma, God has this, he has daddy. If, no when daddy goes, he’s just going to step from here to there. One home to another. We will see him again. One day is like a thousand so he probably won’t even have time to miss us!” She laughs....while I hold everything inside but the tear that slowly rolls down getting trapped in the rim of my sunglasses."I gotta go I'm in someones driveway and I need to go inside." "Thanks Jannie, I love you." "I love you too mom." She has made it through one more day with hope and encouragement from me. Thanks Jars for pouring out a little fluid last night to fill me back up.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


"Sometimes I think about the past, the road that I was on, the road that lead me home..."

I love it when I hear just what I need to hear just when I need to hear it. Thank you God for gently calling me... and DecembeRadio for already putting lyric to note that which would make me smile today.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

No flood waring...still the waters rise...

The storm hits today.

I'm listening to Jars' Good Monsters (haven't we been here before?)

I'm watching the rain hit the lake. The wind is so strong it is appears as though there are white caps on the water.

It has taken a couple of days for it to get here but the storm has arrived. "There are storms coming that can't be prayed away."

Spent the day trying to drive with fluid vision. Wore sunglasses to the mandatory meeting to hide my eyes. No one even noticed.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Can you hear that?

Listen... there it is again. I think I'll open the back sliding glass wall and listen to the sound of the rain falling on the lake and the wind in the trees.

There it is again. That sound. The sound of quiet. Walking into a empty house alone at the end of the day. The sound of nothing greeting me at the door.

No one to call. No one to feed. No clothes to wash. No showers to remind of. I've looked forward to Chance going to camp. But only one evening alone, and I realize I am alone.

I hear the rumble of thunder in the distance. A storm is coming my way.

I hear you calling my name
in the echoes of the wind.
I see your spirit in the
shadows now and then...

Call My Name~ Third Day's Revelation... in stores July 29th. In my CD player NOW!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I got to spend the day at the beach today with my mom. I honestly don't think there is a sound in nature that sounds better than the waves crashing on the shore. I only wish that there were sunscreen strong enough to keep me from burning. Why do they call it sun kissed? I think its more like sun punched! But in a day or two it will fade. I'm glad the memory of mom and me at the beach (looking for sharks... because Jaws is out there!) will last as long as my memory, or this blog, exists! I sat and read back over some of the older stuff that I used to write. Some of it was pretty good. I read more back then, thats obvious.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Walking the line...

I actually had a wonderful day at work today. I was still at home in my PJ's at 10:30. I saw my 6 patients, no complications and back home by 3:30. I missed church tonight. I have no idea why I don't like going on Wednesday nights. Its not that I don't think I need it. God you know I do. Speaking of God lol. Something hit me today. As I was driving across the Buckman bridge. (I know.. of all places to get lost in thought right, right?) I am still having problems with my mouth. So God has shown me that I'm walking so close to the edge with some of the things say. So that when I stumble, I'm so close that I fall over... and not a good "Other side" either. When I say things like, "That is so freaking awesome!" I'm so close. Even though what I say isn't "wrong." It opens a door in my subconscious thought patterns, that when anger hits me, and knocks me for a loop. Oops there I go again. I know I'm probably the only one, who at the level of teaching/training that I've had still stumbles over something like that, but I'm praying that God now that you've shown me this, I can make a change. So help me God...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

this is my life...

My twitter updates roll into my tumblr account which updates my facebook page. All I need now (is to breathe lol) is a pocket protector and I'd be set!

I have some potential interviews coming up in the future. I'll keep you posted. Right now I thing I'm actually going to go work out alone... as is much of my life! :(

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I got up this morning to go into work early. Was going to get caught up. Only to find a voice mail indicating that my AM IV was to be moved to 2 pm~ I didn't even know I was doing an IV. And it was peak and trough labs. Great. Even if I got there early to draw the trough and start the gentamycin at one, by the time it finished infusing it would be 2. The peak should be drawn at 4. Labs close at 4. I'd have to drive them downtown to BMC main. So I changed around my other patients. Rearranged my day. Wasn't going to get upset. I should be accustomed to being screwed by BHHC right right? I've only been doing this for 2 years. Why would today be any different? I guess I just hoped against hope that one day I'd wake up and love being a nurse. I'd love going to work. So I go into work to find out who my patient was and the info on where to go. I took my supplies out to my car. Put my keys down in the trunk and then shut it. Great. Perfect. Now not only was I behind, I was 2 patients over in productivity, AND my keys were locked in the trunk of the car... So I sat at a desk and tried to move from my Left brain to my Right brain. Didn't work. Well it did for a little while. I pray that my son doesn't have to take a career for money. It really sucks. Oh if we could run away maybe we could change... get back on our feet again...finally make it home again..

Monday, June 09, 2008

Here I am ... again

Hi all. In case you haven't noticed I'm a contributing writer for now. Don't worry I'm keeping my day job. Daddy has started back on his treatments and its so hard for me to see him weak. As an RN I want to do something, anything to help him but I can't. Not only am I not a chemo nurse (so my knowledge is limited)there really isn't a whole lot that can be done. I can pray and trust in my faith, believe what I know to be true and continue to praise. And when all else fails... cry. I will continue to lift my eyes... to the maker...of the mountains I can't climb... (God I thank you for the praises that you've given to others to share. Thank you that I can make them my own, and give them back to you!)

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

I NeedToBreathe!

I am sure that by now the men of NeedToBreathe are getting a little tired of the cliches that naturally surround their name. But after a week of non stop GMA it was a breath of fresh air to meet up in the parking lot of Chick-Fil-a in Houston, TX to catch a KSBJ’s Brown Bag special concert and watch a true southern gritty rock and roll band perform. Did I mention that it was Christian rock? The NeedToBreathe message is not as in-your-face Christian as some acts, but it is a much welcome change on the music scene. Its nice to rock out to music that is as good, if not better than the secular scene yet still able to raise your hands in worship(or shake it like you know you want to do ). NeedToBreathe is one of the rare bands that you can see in a club or a church and the music, the message, and the meaning still translate, all glorifying the God of the Universe. Reminding us that we can be in the world and not of it, constant in any season. If you have friends that are not Christian, love to rock and your trying to “reach” them, I’d recommend that you buy them a copy of NeedToBreathe’s CD “The Heat” AND take them to see these guys play. You won’t be disappointed by either.

The band took the stage with an unrecorded intro to Shine that had the crowd on their feet and shaking it. They rounded out the evening with More Time, Streets of Gold, Sweet Talking, Daylight, Haley, Washed by the Water, You can’t always get What You Want (Rolling Stones Cover) and Signature of Devine.

The bands sophomore CD, The Heat, 2007 Atlantic Records, is a cross over CD that holds it own in the secular arena as well as the Christian scene. The band was nominated for Dove awards for the Rock/Contemporary Recorded Song of the Year and Rock/Contemporary Album of the Year. While the CD didn’t win with the voters it is a winner with the fans. The CD starts off with a simple question, can you Spare the Time? The drum intro to Restless kicks the CD off with a rocking start. There are very few CD’s that I can pop in and listen to the entire CD without skipping at least one of the tracks, but this CD is one of them. The latest radio single Washed By the Water is a moving story written by the bands lead singer Bear Reinhart about his fathers struggles as a pastor.

While much of this bands history is hard to uncover their future is wide open. Wide open is how I ended up playing much of this CD. Streets of Gold reminds us of what were struggling for, “it’s easy to say that there’s a reason for this, Much harder to know, That what we say is true” while Looks Like Love reminds us to enjoy the trip there, “Our hearts can only shake, When there’s risk that they could break”. I’d rate this CD a 10 out of 10. I’ve bought 3 copies to give away so far. I’d recommend that you buy at least one for yourself.

Janet Mattox
Resident Rocker JanetRN