Friday, July 18, 2008

Another day at the beach with my mom. The waves were pounding today. I fell asleep listening to them. I awoke, turned, slept some more. I sit tonight feeling the repercussion of my actions. My only transgression seams to be that in my eyes. They are a lovely shade of purple with pink puffiness.

It seams as though I am defying all that I've held in truth. I'm finding a new and beautiful truth is abounding all around me. A peace within. Someone once told me in conversation that we are all "wounded healers." He spoke it with such ease and casualness that I wonder if he even realized the depth of what he was saying to me.

Wounded healers are often those who have been wounded in some way, and now try to help others through struggles. In my mind that is not at all what I am going through. At first I thought this remark was spoken at random, in random. I love randomness. It causes you to think, to have another thought process interjected into the course that you had already laid out, the response that you had predetermined that you were going to give.

Yet the more I pondered this seemingly random string of words placed together in my path, I wonder if they're random at all. I do believe that there are no accidents in life. Things happen for a reason in due season. But why did that phrase grab me.

My pain is not from a wound. The reflections of own soul are what is haunting me. I became complacent. I gave up a long time ago. It was as if I ceased to exist to become what was expected of me. I stopped all that I held dear because I was told that is/was not my "destiny" in life. I became a nurse at the advise of others, and it has not been an altogether bad thing. It has given me an income that has kept me self sufficient. Needing no one.

Doug told me once that the one thing he hated about me was that I pretended like nothing was wrong. I admit, I do take the Scarlet O'Hare approach to things, "I'll not think about that today." I always revert back to my 5 year rule. If this fight/ situation/ argument/ disagreement won't matter in 5 years, why let it matter now? Maybe I've gone there so much that I refuse to allow anything to matter to me. I don't know. But I want to find out. I'm searching, I'm looking, I'm open.

(PS no MP3 player at the beach... how impressive is that.. all this chatter and no musical background for inspiration?!? LOL)

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