Saturday, April 28, 2007

~There’s a Light at the end of this Tunnel~

You've got your disappointments and sorrows but ...remember what I told you. There's so much your living for. There's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you... keep holding on.
Ever notice how MRI machines are shaped like a tunnel? I'm feeling random today. Dad goesback to surgery tomorrow. Should be a simple port a cath insertion, in and out in 15 min local mac (always makes me smile) procedure. But remember the last in/out simple procedure that I didn't go to because my scientific brain said its so simple.... (Heck I've done over the past 13 yrs of perioperative nursing/surg tech tons of these) Then I get the call. Ever notice how a phone call can ruin your day, change your life, change your perspective?
Sitting in the MD's office while he explained to us what we're dealing with, my sister in law (God I love this woman!) Asked the question that I didn't want to know the answer to. Where did this come from? The PET scan was clean 2 months ago, now he has a golf ball tumor with that dx. And the answer surprised and for a brief moment angered me. Yeah its not mets!! But I then immediately knew what happened. & I almost threw up. I repositioned myself on the chair & made sure the MD wouldn't see my ID badge indicating I'm an RN. For any non medical people I'll try to explain it as brief as possible. When you open up a cancer during surgery IF someone uses an instrument anywhere else that has had contact with the CA it plants a seed... and seeds grow... BUT GOD!!
My mind left the room with the family and went back to the millions of surgeries I'd done & fought tears. God please don't let any of the procedures that I'd done been careless, please cover my patients. I know that I'm not an RN on my own doing/ skill but its your will. God you (and Izzy from the 3D lol) know I'm not smart enough on my own to do this, but I know how to pray & how to stay so close to you that I can just somehow know what to do & what I've been given by God I have to keep by God so I have to stay by God! I seek you Lord this day and everyday for the wisdom to know how to walk thru this life. How to keep my head up under your hand because I know that IF I keep myself under Your hand then nothing can touch me that doesn't 1st filter thru Your hands. You've seen my beginning and you know my end & I choose to trust YOU! And I know that I can give a little hope to my patients in spite of what I see when I choose to change my perspective & lift my eyes over my disappointments & sorrows!

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