Blog update...

My brother, sister in law and I completely did the Thanksgiving dinner at mom & dads. She hasn’t been able to eat anything so she’s wasting away a little. (Lost about 15 lbs in 2 weeks) The rest of her hair fell out from everywhere so we were glad that she had already shaved it short and gotten a wig. She has had tattooed make-up for years so its not that noticeable that her eyebrows/lashes are gone. She was actually able to eat some that day and it made her feel better that she didn’t have to do anything. She’s a little weak. I’ve been “finding” things for her to do for me because she’s feeling useless d/t her weakness.



I put up her Christmas tree and Jeff Jr and I decorated it on thanksgiving day while she watched. It was overall a very good day.


There was an evangelist that works for the Daystar TV network that came and our pastor let him preach a service. At the end he said that he doesn’t usually pray for people but he felt lead to pray for some people in our congregation. ( I was operating a camera that day) He said that he had such a strong feeling that someone had an issue w/ their back and back pain that needed prayer. I RAN up front to have him pray for me. (This was two weeks ago) And I HAVE NOT HAD ANY BACK PAIN since then!! I know that God healed me that morning!! Its not good news to the lawyer who is handling my suit against the other driver but at this point I don’t care. I’ll take pain free over money ANYDAY!!

The Glory of it all

***Originally posted Thursday***

My mom had an appointment with the MD today. He called her in to let her know that they needed to go back in and do more surgery (tomorrow). They have determined that she has a fast growing type of cancer and the margins were too close. So they will be going back to remove more.

“At the start
He was there
In the end
He’ll be there

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all"

It has been a day of emotions. Mom went in for the needle localization prior to surgery (to identify for the surgeon the exact location of the tumor). While in the x-ray department the radiologist told her that the tumor was on the chest wall and that a complete mastectomy was necessary. (This was against her surgeon’s advice... this is the same surgeon that did my dad surgery. As an ex O.R. nurse I’m very particular who does the surgery.)

Once she gets over to the OR suite she is very emotional, and has signed consents for the total procedure at this time. The surgeon comes out to the waiting room and gets me and my friend Stacey (also an ex OR nurse). After calming her down we get her to agree with the surgeon and change the procedure to the simple mastectomy (also known as a lumpectomy) with fresh frozen sections to determine margins. The surgeon came out after the procedure and told us that he got clear margins with negative nodes. He is setting her up tomorrow for mammosite treatments.

I helped take her home. Got her comfortable and left her to get some sleep. While calling to check up on her this evening, my dad states that she has a rash now all over her body. I told him to call the surgeon. He had already done that without any response yet. I told him to give her benadryl for now and to hold her abx. She already has an appointment for in the AM. I told him to watch her respiratory rate and go to the ER if she becomes short of breath. I wonder what people who don’t have nurses or MD’s around do when something like this arises?

So all is quiet now. I’m completely exhausted, and I wonder if I am free to cry now? Its times like this that I realize that friends are great, but I really need someone in my life to be a rock, and source of strength when I can’t be any longer.

‘Twas Grace that taught my heart...

For months now we’ve been battling cancer with my dad. We’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. The last PET scan was normal. No activity. Still doing chemo for the next 3 months then re-scan.

Everyone’s finally felt the pressure lift a little.

Yesterday mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. More tests on Thursday. (A biopsy to be done next week) The MD did tell her that from the films it looks like it is in the axillary nodes already but would know more once he does the node biopsy. We’re all just a little weary from the battle. But know we know how to fight better.

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Joshua 24: 26-27 Amplified 26 And Joshua wrote these words in the Book of the Law of God; and he took a great stone and set it up there under an oak that was in [the court of] the sanctuary of the Lord. 27 And Joshua said to all the people, See, this stone shall be a witness against us, for it has heard all the words the Lord spoke to us; so it shall be a witness against you, lest [afterward] you lie (pretend) and deny your God.

So if I go through my house and call my walls salvation and my windows and doors a praise to God then they too can be a witness FOR me!! They can be a testimony of praise! As the watchers are writting my account they can see! I AM A PRAISE TO THE MOST HIGH GOD!!! I have a witness in the earth. Glory to GOD!

Teshuva

Ever notice how if you decide to lay down, life will float right by but its when you decide to stand that the wind hits you harder? I saw a tree being blown by the wind today while the smaller lower lying bushes weren’t fazed.
Matthew 5:17 says, "Do not think that I have come to do away with or undo the Law or the Prophets; I have come not to do away with or undo but to complete and fulfill them."
I’ve always read over this because I’ve thought that the old law is now passed away. Until today. Driving down the road, obeying the law of the speed limit. I hear this thought in my head. So does the speed limit no longer exits? Just because its being fulfilled do I now no longer have to obey it? I know the veil has been torn and now I too can go into the holiest of the holy’s and with boldness go before the throne. But does that mean I can be brassy & bold, arrogant & assuming that my petition will be heard?
Can I assume that Jesus’ whole ministry coincided with the Jewish feasts, and after his death the apostles also remained faithful with the Jewish laws of the feast. I am not a Jew, however I have been adopted into the family through the blood & sacrifice and mercy of Jesus & the most high God. I today’s society adoptions, and split families are common place. I don’t recall ever seeing or hearing of a baby being adopted into a family & the family raising the child with the religious practices of the birth family. No, the child adopts the customs and lifestyle of the new family.
I am coming before you now Lord with a heart of repentance during this period of Teshuva. I’ll not allow myself to be self deceived. I’ll not let strife remove me from Your will for my life. Isaiah 55:7 Let the wicked forsake his way and unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity, and mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon.

~We are Family~

My mom is one of 12 kids. And they all live here in Jacksonville. All but 2 of the 12 had at least 3 children, some had 4. Now all of those children have had at least 1 child, some 3. (Stay with me on this). Now all of those children are growing up and beginning lives of their own. Tonight we had a wedding shower for my cousins son Derek (Raymond Derek actually). He is 20, hard to believe. Since it was a "women's" thing and all of the men weren't there we didn't need to rent out a space to have the party. The 'original 12' get together a 2-3 times per year with the whole bunch getting together at least once yearly. At times I dislike having so many people in my business lol. But times like tonight I so love that I belong to them! I wouldn't trade my huge extended family for anything. We grew up close, and we're still close. I know my cousins best friends and they don't understand me and mine HAHA (LOVE YA GOMERS!) But what would life be without them?
One of my aunts died a couple of years ago and her husband remarried. Tonight they were discussing how his new wife is in the hospital so they were planning trips up to visit with her. I thought wow. Charles was married to my aunt and even death can't take him out of the family. (I hope he doesn't mind us holding on to him LOL!)
I bet when we all get to heaven (what a day of rejoicing that will be...when we all see Jesus..) We're going to be the same way. One big extended family. Rejoicing around the throne. Some days I long for heaven more than others. (Everybody wants to go to heaven ... but nobody wants to die.... lol. ) Today is one of those days. Be blessed, and rejoice, rejoice and sing with the angel voice's!

~The Famous Ones~

I’ve recently read two gushing fan posts on two separate message boards for Christian music artist where the fans have gotten the opportunity to meet the band/artist. It made me think.
What if we went to a new church. And once we were there, we met someone who went to our "home" church. We weren’t exactly friends but they seemed nice enough. They offered pleasant conversation, compliments on our family and appeared interested in really getting to know us. Later that evening we attend church again only to find that every word we had spoken to that "friend" was typed out in the bulletin!
What if our spouse wasn’t with us that morning. But they were present at the evening service, and they got to read everything that we had said. How would we feel? Wouldn’t we feel just a little violated/ betrayed?
I challenge fans to look deep inside and see what it is we’re chasing after. Who is the famous one in our lives?

~You make all things glorious..and I am yours! What does that make me?~

Ahhh My Remedy is coming! I can hardly wait until its release date September 25th. Today I have an appointment with my orthopeadic surgeon for the result of the MRI. During the nerve conduction study he mentioned nerve block... I'm not big on surgery of any kind.
Sunday morning I was on the front camera (the one that has to move back at the end of praise service). I could hardly bend down to pick up my cords before moving. I was in so much pain that I came home and took some pain meds, fell asleep and missed evening service. I wonder how God can be faithful to me if I can't be faithful to Him. But I know He is. I know that this King's daughter is all glorious within! And I surely will continue to seek out others who's garments are all fragrant with myrrh, aloes, and cassia, and I will be made glad!! (Psalms 45)

Ahhh my Remedy is surely coming! Thank you Lord of heaven and earth!

~Fudge Rounds!!~

I had an absolutely beautiful day on the lake today. The praise/media teams went to the lake house of our worship leader on Lake Winnott.

A whole day of laughter and praising God without one note, one song, one lyric...yet still God was there. You could feel Him in the breeze~see Him in the clouds~hear Him in the thunder of laughter that echoed across the lake and back again.

We talked about concerts. We talked about the frequency of worship and who was doing what...and what we were going to do. We talked about things to come and days gone by and opened up our intimate lives to really get to know each other past the 1st and 2ND layers. We talked about the drawing of/ calling of God, and how He changed us from _____ but more important is that we love what He has changed us to. And thank God Almighty He hasn't left us to ourselves now. But He's still showing us things about ourselves that need work.

So everything about me today was utterly saturated in God's love & His blessings & His gifts through deep spirited friendships that have roots that went down even deeper today...so tomorrow I'm looking for the new growth. The new buds on the tree~ the new fragrance of worship as new life, growth spring forth from the rain/watering/saturation of our souls today!

Thank you Bill and Stacey for allowing the blessings of overflow to saturate all those who know you!!

~Mountain of God~

...after all that I've been through...now I realize the truth...that I must go through THIS valley to stand upon YOUR mountain O' God!...

I got the opportunity to see Third Day in concert this past weekend. I did not realize how much I've missed my friends and how bad I've needed them. Just being around those who have the same passions that I do (and the same...dreams/visions ;) )was so much fun. I haven't cut up and acted silly for quite some time. Even though I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

It's not that I've been unhappy, but I haven't been able to let go of all of the "chemo questions" and "wreck details" and just think about the future ( THE TEXAS STATE FAIR!!!) and the mountain tops that I know are surely coming.

I believe that this past weekend I was able to stand on a distant mountain of God and see over to the next mountain tops...and there are great things ahead! Here and in Zion!

Thank you a million times over Third Day and especially my fellow Gomers!! I really needed to see that vision...

Who is He hearing?

As Hagar lay in the desert, she put her son (who was around 15 by that time) away from her because she didn't want to watch him die...

God heard the lads cry and spoke to her! WOW! So God heard the cries of the teen and spoke to his mom. Makes me wonder if we should re-think the purpose & power & calling of the teenage generation and their role in the church today!.. For years we've been doing this and its just not working. We're not making strides by leaps and bounds to advance the kingdom of God...so maybe, just maybe we need to change our attitudes and thought life re: our youth....

Maybe...

~God only knows why.~

In the beginning God spoke and it was. Everything was created at his words. Then He created us. And we've spent history (his story) altering His words. Twisting them. Changing them to better fit what it is that we are feeling/seeing/ wanting to express. Until now we say, God only knows...Subconsciously and without a conscious thought we've limited God to "only." Instead of saying, God you know my heart better than I do. You know the motives that I hide even from myself. You do know the reasons why. We really don't give you enough credit or control in our lives. There is still so much that we "work out" on our own, as if our brains were able to process the beginning from the end. Still we "hold on" rather than trust and stand. We're "making it" rather than trust and stand. We twist your words rather than trust in and stand on your word. It's already written, but that was then and this is now, so instead of trust and stand, we tend to demand, plead, beg. God please ... fix this, do that, move on our behalf... instead of trust in and stand on.

Bad? or Good Monsters?

Yesterday my son gets his paycheck and immediately requests me to take him to Family Christian Book story to purchase a plethora of Cd's (4 to be exact...wanted more but mom made him stop at just 4..."they're not going anywhere, they'll be here next week when you get another check. Please don't spend everything today"..)

We get in the car and the first thing we hear is Turkish Delight from the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack. I love DC*B. No more from that CD it was off to the next one. Reliant K then got to waste a little more than 10 seconds of my life! LOL If you haven't heard the CD then you might not understand. It really wasn't wasted but that really is a song...really... Toby's Portable Sounds rounded out the session. It was "BOOMIN"! out the stereo system for sure. Then Chance put in Good Monsters by Jars of Clay. After the first song he takes it out. And back to Turkish Delight it was for the remainder of the evening.

Later while I'm sitting charting my 29 charts for the week, I put Good Monsters back in. And the whole CD is good but especially the last 6 songs. I found myself staring at the laptop thinking WOW. Feeling WOW.

I've been praying now for at least a week straight, "God I want to quiet the drama that I usually create in my life! I don't want you to constantly have to speak to my storm but rather speak to me! It's in the quiet that I hear you whisper in my ear, and in the stillness of the night that your having to guide my life!... I want that to change. I want to live so still in You God that your free to speak to me in all and everything." Yet here I sit. Saturday night. Deadline at work. With 29 charts to get through.... Jesus stepped out on the water that night and would have passed them by ... Oh My God ~don't let it be so with me! I strongly suggest that if there are storms blowing you around right now that you get QUITE...BE STILL before God. IF you need outside help to calm your thoughts, pick up Good Monsters and just sit and watch the songs unfold. Hope won't hide the loss.....BUT GOD!

I wanna live like there's no tomorrow...

My Mom calls. Janet will you please make me some more of that salsa? You know how much we love it and the last batch is gone. My boss calls. Janet we need the MD order strings entered in the computer so we can staff out these patients for you...

And I drive down the road singing... I wanna live like there's no tomorrow. And I honestly feel that way. Yet there are so many things pending in my life. I wonder why my words aren't matching my life.

Today I'm going to go get my mom & take her to Publix (where shopping is a pleasure LOL) and show her all the stuff to buy, then go home & show her how to make my salsa.

I'm going to hug my father & tell him how much I love him & how he has been the only stabilizing thing in my life for the past 40 years. And tell him how scared I am that this sickness is unto death & that I've felt that from the beginning & that's why I've been distant lately. That's why I've been staying to myself. I'm so afraid to say anything to anybody because I don't want my heart know.

I'm going to tell my son that since the age of 25 I've known what unconditional love feels like. Now I can finally relate to God in a deeper way. I'm so sorry that he had to be born into the situation that was the mess of my life. BUT GOD!! He doesn't have to stay where I bore him he has a highway and I have a vision. He'll not have to go through what I did because my parents didn't know any better & lived half in this world and half in the church. We've all changed. We've all met God. AND GOD will take him farther than me and my vision. That C.N.B.Seen Productions will to come to pass for him if its Gods will. I'll not call silly the visions that he has.

I will let go so that if there is no tomorrow for me I'll not leave behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

Thank you again Chris Tomlin for inspiring me to see God.

My pastor said Wednesday night that God's not up in heaven with his arms holding back an outpouring. Yet we cry~God I/we want to the outpouring of your Spirit!... We want to see Your Glory manifested here on this earth. And the whole time~the Holy Ghost is present among us. Everything Jesus did that day was given to us. The power of heaven is at our words... But we don't know how to tap into it. And were so full of ourselves and not Him, that there is no room for Him to flow through us. He is not going to fight through the storms of our life~ the drama around us (that we usually create) to get to a calm that He is able to speak to us through. Jesus was asleep during the storm that night & when they work him all he did was speak QUITE...BE STILL!... Do you still have no faith?

There was an awesome faith that Jesus used to raise his own dead body from the grave because it was already written/spoken over Him!! I want that kind of supernatural faith active in my life! That I can speak the power of life into someone else's life!

~No ... I just need a book!~

So my sister in law is enjoying the joys of potty training. She told me that the other day Jr was in the bathroom and he started yelling... Mama!...Mama! Just a minute Jr I’m on my way. Upon entering the bathroom doorway, Jr holds up his two hands in the universal "stop" motion and states. I’m not done, I just need a book!
So I’m driving down the road today and start giggling thinking about his story. And I can’t help but think, yup sometimes I really don’t need help, I just need a book. So instead of calling out to others for help I think I need to spend more time this up coming days and weeks reading His story. Have a blessed day!

~Just passing through~

I received my autographed copy of this book in the mail today. How exciting. When I opened the front cover to begin reading I was struck by the comment... To my dad... I hope people see some of you in me...
For most of this year I’ve been consumed with the desire for people to see more of my heavenly father in me!! Now that they’ve given my earthy father very little hope of recovery I too want people to see a little of him in me. It brought home the fact that we are not alone in our walks, and our situations are not unique to us. What makes us unique is how we take the adversity, or the joy and apply it to our lives. Its how we choose to walk it out. What we choose to show a reflection of is what we hold dearest. The ones we think are cool we immolate. The styles we see on others that we love we adopt. I want to find God cool! LOL I want copy His style and mannerisms. I want to see a reflection of Him in my mirror, and feel him in my marrow. I want to breathe the breath that He has, and flow in grace and mercy with the favor of the Lord!
Thank you Jason for the book. May God bless you in all that you do!

~Its by what authority?~

Last night in church we were continuing our study on the gifts of the spirit... The associate pastor was using scripture from Deuteronomy 18:22. He reads through the scripture and like most of my blogs it hits me... So Janet, what authority did use to question those that you have no spiritual authority in their lives? (It was like my drill sargent screaming in my face lol) I really believe that in this battle of life we are truly in "Gods Army"...(Be all that you can be... fight the good fight...submit yourself under the authority...) And in the army there are ranks. You have your place in line, and you don’t break rank.
I had a cute cat once named Spencer. Spence was a humane society rescue, and he was 100% completely crazy. He would wait until you were in bed, run down the hallway so fast that his paw steps sounded like thunder coming, jump up in the bed, bite your big toe and then run off again. If you tried to stop his nightly routine he would wait until you were asleep. So it was without much hesitation that I let that "curious cat" dart for the door every time it was open to view the outside world. He was declawed and defenseless out there but he didn’t care. After about 6 months the nightly toe bitting stopped and Spence got really fat and seamed to be enjoying living with us. His new "routine" was to come lick your ears when you were trying to read. Chance and I fell in love with him. One morning I opened the door and out he darted never to return. The neighbors dog had the same idea that AM and it didn’t end well for Spencer.
I’ve heard it said that "familiarity breeds contempt" and in my case I believe it to be true. I think that I have a since of curiosity that led me to question something that I have no spiritual authority in. For that I sincerely (with the truest meaning of that word) apologize to the members of Jars of Clay, Third Day, and it’s moderating team.

~Are you going to be there tomorrow?~

Mom just called, another surgery tomorrow. Are you going to be there? I will stop by but I can’t get the day off of work. I will definitely be there tomorrow night when he comes home... Need some chicken for supper?

Ever notice how the ordinary things of life seam so silly when faced with the mountains? The worship freq’s are with me. They’re feeling it too. The stirring in the atmosphere of God. The rising up all around... the anthem of the Lords resound...and together we sing...everyone sings... through the good times through the bad. Through the rain because of the reign! I know without a doubt that nothing but the will of God can come. But I want to get to the place in my life that I’m so hid in Christ that like Peter even my shadow passing by (Acts 5:15) will cause the favor of God that lives through me to bless others... and that they may not even know it was me BUT GOD! There is a shadow of heavenly things (Hebrews 8:5) that I want to flow through me!... Before I lay down this body I will be so hid in Christ! I will know and see and be transformed from who I am to what HE IS! I will be ye holy!

~Where there is no vision...~

My thoughts have not stopped turning re: the frequency of God and accurately hearing what He is saying at all times... I’ve reread my own blog on the frequency and meditated on what He is saying to me. Every idle thought has been back to God. Then today in church the associate pastor was preaching from Proverbs 29:18. From the amplified "Where there is no vision [no redemptive revelation of God], the people perish; but he who keeps the law [of God, which includes that of man]– blessed (happy, fortunate, and enviable) is he. The sermon when on in the direction of the manner that you see God has to be with a clear vision, focus and then man will see the plan of God unfold before He does it. My mind when to the frequency of God... the very current of electricity that causes my heart to beat... Not how often He frequents, but the current of His frequency! The power to be all I need to be in Christ is running through that frequency and I know its there. I can feel it. I’ve never in my life been more aware that, not only is God in control and nothing but the will of God can come for me and my life, but His current is moving in me. But I need to see His vision... I need it in my home. I need it in my job, my life, my love, my pursuit of happiness! My very breath needs to see/feel/know the vision that God has over me.

~Its all about me~

I had the strangest dream last night. I was falling into a large swirling lake and being swallowed up by me. I thought I was further along in my walk than that! But apparently its still all about me. I saw that written out in sequins on a tee shirt lately. A very frustrating place in life is to know that you are called. To feel the calling and drawing of the Holy Spirit on your life. To have Him wake you at all hours of the night just to talk to Him. And yet see this awful mirror image of your own selfishness. I think to myself, that’s not true, that’s just a dream. But deep down I know that’s what He wanted me to see. Becoming Holy is not an easy feat.
God I am sorry that I have allowed the me of my universe to overshadow the You of this universe. To have made You small, for thinking that You think and reason like I do.
This day I will bind mercy and truth around my neck and not forsake them. I will write them on the tablet of my heart, and so find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man!! I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding!(Proverbs 3:3-5)

~Oh how good it is... when brothers dwell together~

Ok so there were 13 of us total this past extended weekend. My brothers and their families took my son and went for a whole week. We had a full weekend of no arguments, no disagreements. We weren’t always in unison on what we wanted to eat or where we wanted to go. But we stayed together. We all had a common goal. We were there to spend as much time with our father. We’ve never really had fights among us. We grew up in a military family so we moved around a lot. As kids we were each others best friends. Now were not all of the same denomination. But we all still believe in the same God
It would be really neat to see the family of Christ living as each others best friends. Were none the same. We have our own families. We’re not the same denominations. But we all still believe in the same God. The symbolism of 12 of us hanging out, trying to get closer to our earthly father kept me thinking about hanging out and trying to get closer to my heavenly Father. I really pray that the mind set of the collective church will be transformed to looking for Him in everyday life. Not being so "heavenly minded that we’re no earthly good" but living our life with every thought, every action bringing us back to the realization that He exists. Not as a thing to hope for, or a standard to live up to but a real live person. Who still walks among us. Who still speaks to us, who still wants a relationship with us.
God I thank you for drawing me. Thank you for not leaving me to myself. Thank you for just being ever present in my life.

~I want to be the way I was made~

Made in your image.. Made with your hands. Made to discover who You are and who I am...

I admitted 4 patients this week. Two of them have gallbladder or billiary duct cancer... I again feel as though I’m at the limit of my testing. Like the map of my life has the doppler radar scanning over it with multiple lightening strikes and areas of "red" warnings. I wonder sometimes if I’m not walking around with a message scrolling across the bottom of my page.
I wonder too if I’m being battered so much by this storm because I’m on the outside fringes of His will for my life. If I were pressed in closer to where I’m supposed to be wouldn’t the storm not feel so close. I get the image in my head of His hand stretched out, palm side down.. And me standing under it... The closer I am to the center then the more covering I have. I’m looking around for where & why I’m not in His perfect will for my life. God change me from who I am to what You are!
I know that faith and fear can’t operate in the same being so I’m leaning on what I know to be true. That nothing but the will of God can come for me.

~LOST~

Some blogs take longer to find their way to words...This is one of those...
At my son’s birthday party the kids had come prepared to play "man hunt" (hide & seek with teams, the older kids version of the game) It was dark. We set boundaries. They had rules. As the game was progressing Chance came to me. Mama, we’ve lost someone. "What do you mean you’ve lost someone?" "We’ve looked for almost an hour and we can’t find him." Parent/Guardian called. Search teams gone out. 2 hours go by. Still no kid. Then miraculously here he walks up. Dirt on his clothes. Scratching his head. "I’m sorry...I fell asleep" In the middle of the party. In the middle of the game. Early in the evening. He fell asleep.
I forgot to take my communion yesterday morning. And in the middle of the day. In the middle of my job. Early in the day. It hits me, BAM! This thought explodes in my head... Don’t fall asleep. This is a battle. Lives are at stake. Souls could be lost. They could see this man of God fall, and in their anger turn away from God. I’ve set myself to fight. I’ve come to win. God has set boundaries. God has rules. Its dark right now, but I’ll not fall asleep!

~Proverbs 2~

God I accept your words & store up your commandments. I turn my ear to your wisdom & apply my heart to understanding.
I’m still stuck in frequency mode. The airways are charged with the frequency of God. Now I’m wondering how many of us frequent Gods frequency? Is all I have to give enough? Am I God’s Cain or Able?
Yesterday was another MD’s apt for daddy. They had said your cancer free, but we need to do chemo/radiation to ensure that it doesn’t grow back again. They said he could wait until June to begin treatments. Then did another PET scan for radiation markers. The MD called last Thurs to say they needed him to come in as soon as possible. There is new activity.
Home from the MD last night for a family dinner & chat. They’ve told dad he has a 0-10% chance of recovery. He started 8 hours a day (one day a week) chemo coupled with radiation. Cyber knife next week...
BUT GOD!

~But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for~

I don’t want to chase after something that’s not there.
Dream big, reach for the sky, things we hear as kids.... But I see people chasing after things, that in 5 years wont matter anymore. I have a 5 yr rule that I gage my life by... in 5 years if this fight wont matter, then don’t let it effect things now. If someone’s comment or action will not even be a vague memory then don’t allow it to grow into a major issue now.
I’ve been accused of not "selling out" to God. Not allowing Him to have total control over my life. Of chasing after things that don’t matter to God. This baffles me, I don’t get it. I don’t see it. God I want my eyes opened to see what it is that’s drawing me, what it is Im chasing after. And if its not truly you than I repent now and ask you to forgive me. Draw my focus back to you!

~The Frequency~

Something happened last Sunday that I’ve spent a week mulling over, I’ve been consumed with these thoughts yet unable to find the correct words. Please read the whole story before making a judgement.
We have new cameras at church. Our regular switcher/ editor/ producer has been ill so I’m the fill in person. Last week while attempting to switch there were people in the contro9l room talking. The camera men were both talking. The pastor was in mind sermon talking. I wasn’t involved in any of the conversations yet I was aware of all their voices. My mind began to wander, I thought "I wonder if when the semi truckers go by will we still pick up a "squeal" on our head sets as they use their radios?...Oh wait.. No, we have these set up with cables not using airway frequencies. Simultaneously both camera men jerk their cameras as they fumble for their mic on switch and in stereo they say, "Ow, what was that?" "What was what?".. "That high pitched squeal, it like seriously hurt my ears!" I tuned to the people doing the sound- "Did y’all get anything?" The camera men- "No it wasn’t in the sanctuary it was in the head set.
All week I’ve played this scene over in my head. I know what happened. Our camera men are young men. They heard a frequency that I can no longer hear. My mind/brain somehow processed the information of the sound that my ears couldn’t translate.
All week I’ve thought, God you are speaking out of heaven over me & my life. My mind knows this, I believe that its happening yet my ears aren’t always able to hear your frequency.
"He who has an ear. Let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches..."Revelation 2:7
God I don’t want to miss anything else! Re-tune my ears to hear your frequency!

~I love how You love me! Psalm 18:19&20~

I love that you care enough to always be there. I love your smile in the morning ~like the dew as its sets~ is always fresh. I love the feel of your breath on my cheek as I lean in to hear you speak. I love how you gently pull my hearts string awaking the river that flows from within me. I love how, no matter how many times I read your word, I always find something new in you. I love how your changing me from what I am to who you are. I love your vision & plan & design for my life. I love how gently you show me myself & love me enough to help me change it. I love how you have given your best for me. I love how you’ve replaced the loneliness with your lovingkindness. Thank you for not leaving me to myself. I love that you are bringing me forth into a larger place, delivering me because you delight in me! And because I have chosen to walk with clean hands and a pure heart you are pouring your love on me! I pour myself out to be an empty vessel for you to pour your love through. I love you my Lord, my God, my creator & my strong tower, my heartbeat & the very breath I breathe.

~You came running, looking for us!~

My life lives and not just is!

O to find what I am divinely called to do instead of what I’m self called to be. You know you can want something so bad that you find a way to make it happen. But if your divinely called then it will come running/tracking you down, overtaking you, if you want it or not. I want to arrive at completeness [Eph 4:11] expressing truth. So that everyone who meets / sees me will sense something is different about me~ even if they’re not sure what it is... I want a life that wins & is filled with and controlled by the Holy Spirit of God!

~May 1,2007~ I've found Your favor!

You have found favor, lovingkindness & mercy in my sight, & I know you personally & by name. Exodus 33:17
Isn’t it nice when someone famous appears to recognize you? Like the commercial on TV where the woman is walking & all of the celbs stop to watch her walk by. My pastor said Sunday that if we don’t hold fast our confession & say that we have the favor of God no one else will either!
God your word tells me that I have found favor & lovingkindness & mercy in your sight~ You know me personally & by my name & for that I think that you are worthy of my good conduct. God I trust you to scrap away all of the things in my life that I think are my greatest gifts and talents and leave me with just you and & I. To stand unveiled and revealed in your presence. I want to know you with the same depth that you know me. You are the high priest over the grace & mercy in my life & I love you with everything I have in me. & I ask that you even strip that away and replace it with your perfect love! I choose to trust you in all things, always~ now and forevermore.

~Matthew 3:16-17~

NIV After being baptized Jesus came up immediately from the water, & behold the heavens were opened & he saw the spirit of God descending as a dove & lightening on Him. & behold a voice out of the heavens, said, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased."
This wasn’t the sermon today, in fact it was just something that was spoken as an example for something else. I was doing the switching for the TV ministry but when I heard this it exploded in my head, [follow camera 1, I need more head room camera 2] Wow, God spoke out of heaven but only a handful of people heard Him. Today, He is still speaking out of heaven, and only a handful of people have/are hearing Him. They think they are but, if He’s speaking then, wouldn’t we all be hearing the same thing? [cam2 head room! No don’t zoom~ correct the head room... I know that zooming works to correct head room but that’s not the shot I want! Zoom in/pan up!] All the time its growing in my brain. I’m saying head room~ they’re translating zoom~ While zooming out does give you more head room it alters the outcome. If were all hearing but adjusting things differently, no wonder we all have different outlooks/ views/ perspectives. Then we spend time trying to correct each other [you need to pan not zoom]

~Your Glory Revealed~

...and then we will see the glory of the Lord revealed....
Sorry for not posting a blog yesterday but I got the opportunity to go see the Glory Revealed tour, and it was an amazing evening. David Nasser made a comment that has got me thinking. He said something along the lines of show me a church, that if the pastor were called away to preach somewhere else [because its scripture~that can happen with a right motive and a right calling] but show me a church that falls apart when that happens and I'll show you a church that has placed its faith/hope/trust in a pastor and not the Lord. That statement will make me change how I worship tomorrow. God forgive me for my love of the ministry and my love for praise. I don't want to be guilty of emotion and not devotion. While I do open my bible daily its often just to find inspiration for my journal [that has recently become this blog] We were asked can you quote one scripture with passage and verse for every year that you've been a Christian? My son could. I can rattle off the top of my head the mini verse catch phrases, "The joy of the Lord is my strength" etc, and all of the Chris Tomlin/Matt Redman/ Hillsongs and of corse my Thirdday songs that are scripture set to verse but I cant tell you where to open your bible to in order to find it. So I basically have words that sound beautiful & inspire& sometimes lead you to into an emotional "Mountain of God" but I don't have the ability to tell you where to turn to read it for yourself. For that I'm sorry God. So rather than get a big concordance & walk around with it, I choose to get to know, really know with a depth of understanding, I want to know you my Lord God almighty!

~You are Holy~

I am wholly yours O God! Ezra 8:28 says, "Your are holy unto the Lord" Today is a bad pain day which usually translates as a good pain med day, but not today. If I believe that God you never change, and I have unfailing love for me then today is the day I walk free. I want to know you God & be so close to you that I don't even realize where I stop and you start. I want to be wholly holy yours! I don't care about what I see, hear & feel because in the scope of eternity, what is today? And what am I if not yours? I know you love me I've seen your favor in my life, I've felt you move~ I've heard your voice~! Nothing, NOTHING in my life matters compared to you and your glory. Lord make me more like you today. I feel you drawing me & I don't know what for but I want to be a holy vessel that you can trust. I want you God to be able to trust my motives, my mouth, my attitude, trust where I place my foot and lay my hand, I want you to trust your very presence inside of me. So that its not me but you that lives thru me! God if I'm to be single the rest of my days~ show me how to walk it out your way! Show me how to walk thru the ain& the heart break over my dad& still be found on the other side praising. Show me how to trust what I know about you to be true, that nothing but the will of God can come. More than me I want you!!

~I will not be silent~

Hold not thy peace O god of my praise! Psalm 109
I felt a change this morning, that I couldn't explain. Its been three days since Sunday. LOL I know nothing but the will of God can come. I've known that my praise ushers in your peace~Thank you for Your word that won't let me go! I thank you God for inspiring and giving my praise to those that put it to rhyme and give it back to me. The things of my heart that I don't know how to express, you've given to those who say it best. Thank you praisers /worshipers for living a life obedient to the call of the ministry & for the sacrifice that you make to be a vessel worthy of honor. I will live with pure hands and a clean heart so that my praise will not be in vein, but rather His praise will run through my veins and my heart will beat with yours O God now and forever more!

~All I have to Give~

You say, all that follow you may find, comfort and pain, blessings in hard times...

WOW If that's true a blessing is surely about to come! I'm waiting for the heavens to open up and pour its love on me!! When you write/make public your declarations of your pursuit of holy life, blameless before men, don't you know you're going to have multiple opportunities throughout the day to prove your words! I'm there. Today. Walking thru the mire of my life. I will hold my tongue! All I want is love~I confess to this and I will take it Lord all you to give. All you have. To give.

~All Your promises won’t let go of me~

I'm glad that all Your promises won't let go of me & I can't forget about it! I'm glad to know that I can trust who He is in me & not what I see! That cancer cant keep me from believing in God! And even though every step brings me back to the pain, I have the joy in the reign of Your Spirit in my life. I will press through I will know you! Not just Your words on a page but Your life in my soul. My mind will seek You first & the beauty of your holiness will guide my steps & my words. I will be filled with and controlled by the Holy Ghost in all and any area of my life. For the Christian death is nothing to fear, but if you live in fear then death surely will come to steal the word away. The enemy of all righteousness will not prevail against this saint!! My heart sings in spite of what I see! Because all of Your promises wont let go of me!!

~It’s a world wide call to everything we’re not~

Ah the "other" Mac. Sometimes its fun just to party. It's a world wide call to everything that we're not... Right now I'm not happy. I'm battling the truth that I see and the truth that I want to be. I call those things that are not as though they were, against all hope I still believe in hope [check out Romans 4:17-18] I didn't go to dads surgery yesterday. Mom said the MD came out to talk to her & said the he'd fight with us as long as we fought, but if there was anything that dad wanted to do , let him do it.
As a single mom my dad has been Chance's dad too. And Jason (since you're the only one who reads these lol) you know how wonderfully cool & well behaved (he goes with me to work everyday now & I get so many compliments on his manners and looks lol) he is. He turns 15 in a couple of weeks (5/7). & now is the time in his life that he needs a father to turn to. My heart hurts!!! Through my wrong decisions I've never been able to give ham a father so I've shared mine. I sat him down this morning over blueberry pancakes (his favorite breakfast) & told him what the MD said against the advice of my mom. I told him that right now every word holds the poer of life & death so don't day what you see say what you believe. Because God is still GOD!!

~There’s a Light at the end of this Tunnel~

You've got your disappointments and sorrows but ...remember what I told you. There's so much your living for. There's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you... keep holding on.
Ever notice how MRI machines are shaped like a tunnel? I'm feeling random today. Dad goesback to surgery tomorrow. Should be a simple port a cath insertion, in and out in 15 min local mac (always makes me smile) procedure. But remember the last in/out simple procedure that I didn't go to because my scientific brain said its so simple.... (Heck I've done over the past 13 yrs of perioperative nursing/surg tech tons of these) Then I get the call. Ever notice how a phone call can ruin your day, change your life, change your perspective?
Sitting in the MD's office while he explained to us what we're dealing with, my sister in law (God I love this woman!) Asked the question that I didn't want to know the answer to. Where did this come from? The PET scan was clean 2 months ago, now he has a golf ball tumor with that dx. And the answer surprised and for a brief moment angered me. Yeah its not mets!! But I then immediately knew what happened. & I almost threw up. I repositioned myself on the chair & made sure the MD wouldn't see my ID badge indicating I'm an RN. For any non medical people I'll try to explain it as brief as possible. When you open up a cancer during surgery IF someone uses an instrument anywhere else that has had contact with the CA it plants a seed... and seeds grow... BUT GOD!!
My mind left the room with the family and went back to the millions of surgeries I'd done & fought tears. God please don't let any of the procedures that I'd done been careless, please cover my patients. I know that I'm not an RN on my own doing/ skill but its your will. God you (and Izzy from the 3D boards.com lol) know I'm not smart enough on my own to do this, but I know how to pray & how to stay so close to you that I can just somehow know what to do & what I've been given by God I have to keep by God so I have to stay by God! I seek you Lord this day and everyday for the wisdom to know how to walk thru this life. How to keep my head up under your hand because I know that IF I keep myself under Your hand then nothing can touch me that doesn't 1st filter thru Your hands. You've seen my beginning and you know my end & I choose to trust YOU! And I know that I can give a little hope to my patients in spite of what I see when I choose to change my perspective & lift my eyes over my disappointments & sorrows!

~Our God is a God who Saves!!~

He holds the keys of life my Lord, death has no sting no final word!!
I once told a friend that its better to laugh thru the pain than cry thru the rain. With the recent VA Tech shootings its hard to relate to laughter. But GOD says the Joy of the Lord is my strength and God can't lie!! In fact God doesn't change! We change, our circumstances change, our finances constantly change, the report from the doctors changes But the report of the Lord never changes He is the same God yesterday-today- and forever! We should wake up every morning and say God you are God and ruler over my life and I give you full control today! I will be filled with and controlled the Holy Spirit of God. I choose as an act of my will to yield to Your will in my life today so that my light may shine and will glorify my Father who art in heaven! I'll not be shiny but that YOU SHINE!! And Nothing but the will of God can come!

~Be lifted High~

Falling on my knees in worship, giving all I am to seek your face....
Have you ever felt marked? The other night I was sitting in the car outside Walmart waiting on Chance to go inside and buy the last of the supplies he needed to finnish a project that was due the next morning. Since I am still unable to ambulate very well, I was going to sit in the car.. I didn't get a parking spot but rather idled in the lane. Out of the corner of my eye I see this truck moving towards me. So I quickly put it in gear to get out of the way. I looked in my rear view mirror to see the truck roll up the curve then backward with NO DRIVER! Someone's truck had slipped out of gear & went on a joy ride & I was in the way. It made me think of all the times I lived on auto pilot going thru this physical therapy & whole wreck ordeal. I wonder how many people had to put it in gear to get out of the path of my words or attitude. I was listening to this song today & I felt such a weight on me. Right now I'm physically unable to fall on my knees in worship. And the auto pilot bought on by pain meds makes me mentally unable to give all I have in worship. That's when it hit me. Ever since I found Jesus all I've had to offer was my praise! I did not come to God with gifts and talents and offerings. I came broken, rejected, alone and abused and all I've ever had was my praise. No not with a mic front and center but with my life. So the one thing that my enemy could steal from me he has hindered over the last couple of weeks. God I thank you for showing me that I can bow the knee of my heart, I can bow my head and change my attitude and I can still give " all I am to seek your face.. Lord all I am is yours. My whole life I place in your hands God of mercy humbled I bow down in your presence at your throne!!"

~So I say Get On!!~

"Your body will take you places that your soul does not want to go." Rev. L. Adkins. When I first heard that my mind exploded. WOW! Jesus' body took him to a cross that He did not want to bear. & Our bodies too will take us places that our souls don't want to go. For me right now its physical therapy.
Over at the ThirdDay message boards we have a thread about a "preacher" who is preaching against ThirdDay and the "Gomers." I look at the scriptures and in my minds eye I see a multitude of Christian "do gooders" who think our "Mission" in life is to take Christ to a dying world by going into the streets & bars& brining them back to God. When in truth the lost of this world do not want what the collective "Church" has to offer right now. The Church is not a gift to the world nor is she a gift to be given in marriage as a bride! If the Church had the power of God in operation then every man, woman, child & nation under the sun would be clinging to it! I think the Church needs to start the clean up at home. We need to get the stye out of our own eye. I feel that as long as we all believe that Jesus was the Son of God~ was born to a virgin~ suffered on the cross~died for our sins~ rose from the grave (on the third day ) and now sits at the right hand of the Father. What does anything else matter? If you don't like or believe in women preachers then don't go to a church that has one. If you don't believe in speaking in tongues, or laying of hands don't go somewhere that does those things. But don't engage in a log debate over who is right & waste your time in a fight. Believe what you believe (become what you believe!) And as long as the foundation is the same then let others believe what they believe.
A body has many parts that don't all function or look & feel like the rest but it functions under one core. You need your liver as much as you need your kidneys. Both work as a filter but they don't function a like, they don't look a like, they don't have the same output yet both function in their own way to filter the blood. Get it? So lets get on about the work of the kingdom, which is to change from what you are to what He is so that others will see you and glorify your Father God which is in heaven. AMEN!

~I Will Lift My Eyes~ (One of my fav blogs!)

I will lift my eyes, to the maker of the mountains I can't climb...I love hearing someone else's worship and feeling it as though it were my own. I know I'm not unique and my thoughts not original to me. I long for the day when I can truly say that these thoughts are not mine but rather the thoughts of God moving thru me. That these hands no longer move to reach out from me but reach out from within you. To honestly live a life so hidden in you, filled with and controlled by the holy Spirit of God that nothing is impossible and all things are possible. To not only lift my eyes to the hills but to the maker of the hills! And know without a doubt that my God reigns over every area of my life, my heart, and my mind. That He's breaking thru the walls I've built my life my soul to save. To go beyond transcending the grave and being saved from hell but being saved into life. To have a life that wins! To touch others with a power that transpires inspiration~ that changes lives, gives hope, offers resolutions to problems. To see the giant and the God of heaven looking down on him. & to know that no matter how small we feel we can be filled with everything that he is. To know that I can have what I say if I do what I'm told. That's the life I want! That's what I'm called to be. That's the maker of the mountains in my life that without Him, left to myself I could not climb. In Him is who I want to be!

~Glory Revealed~

God you are my God, earnestly I seek you, my soul thirst for you and my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and because your loving-kindness is better than life my lips shall praise you! Psalms 63. I love to write the Psalms. Something about seeing it in my font makes it feel as though I'm writing it as an eternal love letter to the one who loves me unconditionally with all my flaws. He who sees my soul and loves me still! I've wondered why some fabulous songwriter hasn't taken this Psalm (my favorite one) and put it to notes to give me an instrument to usher in my praise! Loving-kindness is one of those "bible" words that's hard to walk out in the light of day, or see through the darkest night. I've seen loving and I've seen kind, and then I've seen a kind of loving. But to truly know what God's loving-kindness towards me feels like would be for me a glory revealed! A delight in my heart, a praise song that goes deeper than notes and lyric and rhyme. Everyday I press towards the presence of my everlasting God. To be so close I feel His breath on my cheek. I long to sleep with my ear on the pulse of God to hear His heart in mine.

~Glorious Over Us~

I have decided that I will trust in and cling to the hope that is Christ Jesus. If you allow the reality of truth to touch your life then change is inevitable. You can not stay the way you are and still show what He is! One moment of the reality of truth will make you a different person on your job Monday morning than you were Friday afternoon. People will ask you, "are you ok" and make statements like, "something is different about you." Something to ponder ~ His death and resurrection paid a penalty for our sin. So now we don't have to sin. I know, I know I've heard it all my life too. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 TOO BAD THEY STOPPED THERE!! Get your book and read on down! We are free to live the righteousness of Jesus the Christ and in Him there was no sin. What does that mean to me? I don't have to sin. If I sin it's because I choose to sin!! Face it, most Christians don't have to worry about stealing, killing or even fornicating. But we do fall in the area of attitude, judgements and our thought life. We've spent years justifying or qualifying our sins as "not that bad", or "if that's the worst I do then I'm ok with that." Well I'm not ok with that! I want to go a little higher than just being saved. The God of this universe hung, stretched out between heaven and earth, looked thru time, saw me and said, I'll not come down off this cross and save myself, because if I do I won't save Janet! And that is worth dying to myself, getting myself off of my hands and pursuing with everything in me righteousness so that I can be blameless before men and my father God who is in heaven and reigns glorious over us! Amen.

~Easter Sunday~

I'm so glad that He lives to change me from what I am to who He is! I'm so thankful that He came thru time to bring my sin back and nail it to that tree so that I can live free of me! I can live His life thru my body. Cain gave a fruit offering that came from a ground that was cursed. But what God wanted was a blood sacrifice. Now that Jesus has given the blood sacrifice for us what God wants is our heart, not the fruit of our labor produced from a self life! I'm glad to know that the victory in my life is not up to me & how much I do but rather how much of myself I give over to Him. The depth of my salvation depends on the amount of dying to self that I allow so that for Him to live I must die! Then He is free to show me how to walk thru life with peace and joy. I choose to give Him the ability to live His life thru mine! I choose to sit at His feet wherever I am with constant spiritual evolving and change. Lord I want to be more like you today and everyday!

Oh another Friday night. PT actually wasn't that bad today... however I could walk better BEFORE I went I know its for my own good but does it have to hurt so bad. I was thinking today, wow what He must have felt. Since todays the day that we've officially set aside in remembrance. I was thinking about last week,& how different the scriptures would read if that donkey had thought the parade was for him! I try to keep myself off of my hands so that they're free to reach out and help others. I'm so glad that I am free to live a life of praise!! One of my therapist made the comment that she wanted to go to church since it was Easter... I guess since I go every week because I live what I believe, I couldn't imagine ever not going to church. I can't imagine how shallow, or empty my life would feel without Him. I smiled at the therapists and simply said, well that's a great reason to go. I pray that wherever she goes, God will meet her there. And that she can experience a face to face living God encounter!
The Parade
He came riding in early one spring day. And the people thought that their Messiah was on the way. Just as Isaiah had told them long ago. He would come riding on a donkey and her colt. Oh I've never realized the magnitude of it. But we're to be the donkey that brings the world Him!
Have you ever wondered 'bout the mysteries of His awesome word. And the truths that we've been given in the lessons that we've heard. How we often lay them down when the road starts to turn. Instead of living out the grace and power that we've learned. Oh I've never realized until I heard from you, that I'm to be the instrument that you work through!
What if...oh what if they had thought the parade was for them? What if... oh what if we never turn no never learn to show the world Him. Oh can they see the spirit of grace and power on me? Can they see the Jesus living in me?

April 5th
Today was dads follow up with his MD. He told him that his graft may be infected. Loaded him up with stronger antibiotics and wants to case present him before the cancer board before he meets with dad again. This is when its hard to be an RN. When there is something going wrong with your own dad. Because I know what science says. Science says that when someone has a clean pet scan, then two months later develops a larger tumor then its fast growing CA. Faith says "who's report will you believe" and that nothing but the will of God can come to those who keep themselves in the will of God. I still told him to take his BP and if the BP drops and HR increases then call the MD... LOL Didn't tell him why, just said that's a side effect of infection that he should be watching for...

Wed April 4th 2007

What is my mood?.. I guess it would have to be determined... Determined not to get a bad image in my head everytime I hear that someone is a Physical Therapist! As a nurse I must admit that I haven't always had much sympathy for people who are painfully undergoing brutial PT. MRI says that nothing is wrong with my knee YEAH!! So why can't I put weight on it?..Being my age & weight doesn't look good falling down! Talk about sky falling down! And why does the 19yr old who didn't even tap on his breaks before slamming into the back of me have anything wrong with him... and, on a side note why does workmans comp only pay 80% of my salery... It means that I have to actually miss GMA week...and the Glory Revealed tour (that hurts worse than therapy haha)